Bezos Marries Animatronic
Five nights at Lauren's
(Seattle, Washington) — With the masses teetering on the brink of financial ruin, tone deaf cosplayer of Night Court’s Bull Jeff Dahmer Bezos took the weekend to marry an animatronic woman he found in an abandoned Hollywood warehouse. The mostly plastic bride looked stunning in her dress that resembled the spray-on snow people use for Christmas. I’m told she delivered her scripted lines adequately.
Bezos seemed happy with the nuts and bolts of the wedding, although the prenups state that if Elon Musk ever develops him an A.I. powered sex doll that will ask for less money, she’s going to be on the street. It is unknown what might become of the animatronic gold digging machine, but it’s unlikely anyone really cares.
At the end of the ceremony, guests lined up to wax Bezo’s shiny dome, with sunglasses available for $20 at a nearby stand with Amazon employees sweating in the shadeless market. Plans originally included erecting a dunk tank to splash hapless employees in, but Bezos declared if he couldn't get an erection, no one else could either. I guess it’s his party, and he can cry if he wants to.
News outlets have already opened a betting pool on when the divorce will start, with “2-3 years” taking an early lead, although with “1-2” right behind it.
That’s tough. I’m betting 2 years max. I guess I’ll get into both pools.
Hey Jeffy: you’ll NEVER be cool. Never have been , never will be. Not even when you get a blowup doll for the new Mrs. You’re not a nerd. Nerds have a kind of awkward charm that wins you over. You’re an obnoxious engineer who thinks algorithms should run everything; even your middle school classroom. You think asking “off the wall questions “ to employees etc means you’ve got great insight. Actually it means you’re so full of hubris you could bottle it and sell it in your warehouses (if you don’t already). Those sycophants errr guests at your wedding are there because of your $$. And I’ll bet all of em think they’re great philanthropists as you and the new Mrs do. Ya know if you really wanted to do something philanthropic you’d give you employees a living wage, free healthcare, and cancel the autumn Prime. You pay less tax than your lowest tier employees do. How about giving the employees access (free) to your accountants.