Vance Claims New Title

That no one wanted

(New York City, New York) — In what one day may be called “the least surprising decision ever”, People Magazine has chosen to add a new category to its publication; the least sexy person alive. Their inaugural candidate? None other than Jabroni Dipshit Vance, perhaps the least fuckable person ever.

Described as being “less attractive than a used tampon”, the article goes on to describe his utter inability to act like a normal human in any situation. He appears to be in even less control of his ill-fitting human suit than Ron DeSantis, master of the “haywire animatronic” look, pictured below.

In addition to being physically repellent, the critter in question is unable to hold even the most basic of conversations naturally. He is, in fact, so terrible a conversationalist that his last known conversational partner, Pope Francis, was martyred by his own brain in a desperate bid to avoid the clutches of the world’s least interesting man.

So this one’s for you, Sofa King Vance. Keep on keepin’ on, you crazy couchfucker, you!