Johnson's Journal
The worst thing rehearsed
(Washington, D.C.) — Recently, Congress has had very little to do, having surrendered their spines and duties in order to let an Oompa Loompa in its dotage to play at being a king, because this has historically worked out well for everyone involved.
As such, Mike “Grindr” Johnson has had very little to do, officially speaking. He’s been investing time in a side hustle, a publication known as the Johnson Journal of Jackboots. In it, the Speaker offers reviews and critiques on the flavour and texture of various jackboots in the D.C. area, being possibly to only politician to have sampled every single style. In addition to the standard array of fascist footwear in the area, Mr. Johnson has also partaken of a wide variety of custom boots, making him the unrivaled expert for writing this guide.
Hot on his high heels though is Janky Dipshit Vance of the Many Names, Pope Murderer Maximus. The junior politician hasn’t had the kind of D.C. experience that Mike’s managed, but outscores him on international sycophancy. Jerking Digits also has the upper leg on having tasted different regional styles of dictator duds. His proposed publication, Vance’s Varicose Views, will veer towards variety.
It would seem like a close contest, but so far Masturbation Manicurist Mike has the lead, based on Jiminy Dickit’s social awkwardness being so overwhelming that many of his devices commit suicide before he even finishes training the autocorrupt. Both offer their own interpretations - Mike prefers deeper treads because they “seal in the flavour” while Jumbled Dodo likes the lighter, softer side of sadism.
Which publication is likely to be the definitive guide to connoisseur of crushing clogs? It’s hard to tell if anyone other than them will give a shit, since most of us aren’t interested in throwing ourselves beneath the boots of our oppressors with such glee.