"Big Balls" Upcoming DNI

Tulsi out like trout

(Washington, D.C.) — Today, after discovering that her husband allegedly (hey we use it for school shootings) has cancer, Tulsi Haggard (above) has purportedly tendered her official resignation from selling all our secrets to foreign enemies, effective 30th June. The announcement was made to thunderous applause, because no one in America likes her.

Deliberations about her replacement took approximately five minutes, because the Boss Man slammed his hand down on the table and said “I want Big Balls! Get me Big Balls!” After it was clarified that he meant the former DOGE employee (below), Mr. Obama was returned home to go about his business.

Apparently the scrub in question will be in charge of keeping us all safe as the Director of Negative Intelligence.

Sorry - National Intelligence. My bad. Looks like a nice young man, I’m sure he’ll keep us all safe and definitely isn’t in over his balls whatsoever. After all, we live in a DEI-excised culture and it’s all about meritocracy in America. The 20 year old is getting this position entirely because of his tremendous experience in security work and not, say, because some dope who rarely knows where he is thinks he has a funny name or something, no sir.

You can tell, because as a condition of his employment, the White House has requested he change his legal name to Big Balls. They will not beging processing his employment paperwork until he can legally sign the documents as “Big Balls.” Meritocracy in action folks. God bless America.