Barron Trump Found Dead!

Don't fear the reaper

(New York City, New York) — In a story sure to be filed in the Bazaar of the Bizarre, up and coming scion of the Trump clan was found dead in his bed at the age of nineteen.

Due to leaks, we have some information ahead of the time it is being released to the public. Our source, who chooses to remain anonymous, has very good access to the facts, though. They say the boy was found naked and doubled over, in an apparent attempt at autofellatio. Judging by the position of the genitalia, he seems to have succeeded in the act, even if it cost him his life. The source did claim he looks “satisfied” in his final posture. A medical examiner leaving the scene apparently said “I thought shit like this only happened in Kevin Smith films.”

The family is expected to keep this under wraps, if true, given the embarrassing nature of the boy’s demise. It would not do to tarnish the majestic Trump name with the story of a lonely boy who couldn’t get a date with all the power and wealth of their name on his side.

Services are expected to happen quickly and quietly, presumably with his mother Melania presiding over the affair. She is, of course, unavailable for comment at a time like this. It’s unknown at this time whether she was ever able to tell the boy who his real father was, as he looked absolutely nothing like Donald.

Our condolences are of course with the grieving family. Thoughts and prayers!